You know that moment when you first wake up and feel nothing? When you regain consciousness and for a moment, you don’t remember heartache or stress? After July 28th those were my favorite moments of each day for about 2 months.
Kinda sad, huh? Think about it for a second... my legitimate favorite moments of each day consisted of feeling and remembering nothing. I had always been the happy-go-lucky girl. The girl who could start up a conversation with just about anyone. The girl who was firm on her beliefs, outspoken, and had unwavering confidence. That was me. Well, I guess that still is me. But I’m on the path to finding her again. I moved to Los Angeles in November of 2017. With a few suitcases, a life coaching certification, and a dream, I set out to build my business. But as usual, the Universe took me in a direction I could’ve never anticipated. In June, only 8 months after arriving to the west coast, I was cast to be on Big Brother.
This opportunity seemed like a dream come true. I would be able to share my beliefs and positive outlook with the world. Sharing my truth on national tv seemed like a golden gift. Unfortunately, I didn’t deliver my message on the show. Unfortunately, I lost myself. And unfortunately, I lost people I love.
No one can prepare you for Big Brother. No one can prepare you for being locked in a house for 37 days with no communication with the outside world. No one can prepare you for the things you will deal with after the show. The hate. The bullying. The judgement. It’s not something I could’ve ever prepared myself for.
So now what? It’s months after the show has wrapped and now what? What do I do with my platform? What do I do with the dark sadness I feel every day for disappointing people I love? Now what?
Instead of playing victim, I’ve recently decided to rise. I basically presented myself with two options. First option: continue feeling sorry for myself and give up. Second option: take my experience and grow from it.
I’ve chosen option 2.
I’ve learned a lot from my experience. Truthfully, I’ve gotten more out of Big Brother than I could have ever anticipated. The biggest “self-realization” takeaway I’ve gotten from my experience has to do with validation.
When I got eliminated and rewatched the show, I quickly realized a very concerning reality. I was seeking validation. Why was I seeking validation? After many days of reflection I realized that I was seeking validation because I didn’t think I was enough.
“I am not enough.” This was the gremlin that hid deep within me for many years and I didn’t even realize it.
When you believe in yourself fully, there’s no need for validation from others. I was seeking emotional validation from everyone in that house, which eventually led to my ego believing I was falling for someone that wasn’t my boyfriend. I’ve since realized that I never fell out of love with my ex, and I never fell in love with someone else. My ego needed the emotional support, because I didn’t think I was enough without it. For the first time in 5 years, I was without my boyfriend. I was put into a house with zero communication from him and this led to me desperately needing attention from someone else.
I’ve been doing a lot of self-love work since coming off big brother. I won’t say I’m fully there yet, but I’m definitely on a beautiful path to loving myself again. I don’t rely on anyone for validation anymore because I truly believe I’m enough.
So I’d like to take a moment to remind you of something. You do NOT need the validation or approval of anyone in this world. You are enough just as you are. You are WORTHY. You are VALUED. You are CHERISHED. You are IMPORTANT.
and most importantly…
You are Loved.
Love & Light,